Don’t trip over my segue






Just cos.

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! I’ve split the readers (two of them, anyway) straight down the middle, right where I want them. Contentious topic equals more traffic – more traffic equals greater self esteem. Take that Dr Phil. I don’t need your show every weekday at 12pm. (FYI I don’t like your moustache – and what’s more, I don’t TRUST your moustache.)

Enough with Phil, and on to bill.

The bill they should pass to say that cats are cooler than dogs. (I’m having a rough day, just go with it) And talking about cats, since when did Chicken Treat do deliveries? Oh I’ll find you Val, and your prodigious Himalayan, and so help you when I do – I’m gonna blast this thing wide open. I’m calling it Operation Chickengate, and it’s going to be turned into a Broadway production called All the President’s Hens – the Reckoning. I’m going to play Redford, and I’ll get a relative to play Dustin.

That cat would be rolling in his grave – (probably the family meal deal box) – if he knew about the advances in cat food since then. Anyone would have been driven into the arms of Chicken Treat with the stuff they used to sell. Now when I feed the cat, the only thing standing between me and five empty Whiskas cans is the ‘not intended for human consumption’ sign on the back of the tin.

Whoever does the food synopsis thingy is amazing too. Check this one out:

This tender spatchcock has been lovingly roasted in the south of France, smothered in  a creamy cheese sauce churned from the milk of a suckling goat and fondled into submission by a Genoese monk.

So I haven’t read that one on a box per se, but it’s only a few steps removed from the real thing. I reckon this is where we’re heading because everyone’s trying to outdo everyone else in the ‘gourmet’ stakes.

Then in little writing that you can’t read –  this is truly on the box – it says that if your cat isn’t 100% satisfied you can bring it back. Exactly how do you gauge a cat’s satiety levels – I’m pretty sure they’ll eat any meat you put in front of them. I feel like going back with the box and saying, look he ate it, but he wasn’t bang on a hundred – he wants his money back.

That’s what Val’s cat would’ve done. That and astrophysics.

P.s. Who did let the dogs out?


2 thoughts on “Don’t trip over my segue

  1. I’ve often thought that you could gauge a feline’s personal satisfaction by claiming you’re some kind of animal psychic.

    “And why do you think that you’re cat wasn’t satisfied?”
    “Well, his general aura was emanating displeasure, and his ‘leavings’ gave some very negative energy.”

    You could sell it by wearing a tie dyed t-shirt and wearing a badge promoting the Greens…

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